I was way too young when you left my side

When I was younger I use to climb out of my bedroom window and sit upon my roof. It was pretty high off the ground,but for some reason I always wondered how it would feel to have the wind hitting my face as I fall to the ground. I would stand at the tip of the roof just to pretend. There was always a nice little breeze that swept through my hair; it felt so good.

The thought of how the cold air would grasp onto me as I plunged toward something I didn't know was so fascinating to me. As I got a little bit older I would think more and more about it. Sitting on the roof, I would catch myself looking down just to see what was there and what I could fall on and I wondered how much it would hurt.My mind eventually started drifting towards larger buildings and how far I would fall. I can't describe the feeling I get when I think about it. Realizing now that my whole childhood I had suicidal thoughts, I ask myself the question :"why?" I played around with things so much-always trying to figure out what would hurt me and what wouldn't-and once I figured out the bad, I poked at it even more. Now that I'm older and my childhood fears are coming back to haunt me, I keep thinking about it. Everything is going so well for me right now but I keep trying to fix my mother and it's been an ongoing battle that I just don't want to play anymore.Saving her is not my job-I failed at my last attempt.
Today during school I spaced out quite a bit. Thoughts that I shouldn't ever think about floated threw my mind.



I want to stand on the edge of a building in the middle of the night while it's raining.....poring rain at that.I want to feel the wind blow threw my wet hair.I want to just let go of all my worries and let my feet slip off the ledge....I want to feel my clothing flap in the wet,windy fall. I haven't felt about the end yet. I don't know whether I want to get back up and continue on with my night or if I would just let that be it.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just troubled and heart broken and fed up. I'm hurt and I've been hurt all of my life by my mother and father with their constant abuse of their life. It's like they don't care. Maybe when I was little I was thinking..."If I just fall maybe they'll be there to catch me and tell me it's all okay.Maybe my troubles will fall away from me and I'll be here where I should be."
In July I'll be in a big city and I can't wait to be a nobody to just blend into the crowd of people and disappear. I don't want anyone to "save" me. I deal with my problems on my own. I just want to know that I still have emotions and feelings from time to time... I've become numb the past 3 years and I just need a little reassurance.



Think what you will,but you can't tell me you've never thought of things. Don't tell me you've never had an aching in your heart and soul so bad that you just don't want to feel it anymore. Don't make me out to be crazy.-I know just how I am.
The ONE thing I tried to hold onto has been ripped away from me....and now the only thing I had remaining has ran from her problems to a simple solution. I wish I could be as pathetic but there has to be something for me to live for after all.