Wish I could understand

I can't help it.-I just know that my soul needs time to itself right now. I haven't quite healed and sometimes it feels like I never will.
April 23rd with be the 3 year anniversary of my father's death. It doesn't seem right that someone can be so full of life and character and the next second be...gone. All your life you work so hard and in the end it turns out that you're going to the same place as everyone else and all that time wasted was for what everyone ends up getting in the end. Why is there death? I just can't seem to comprehend that out of all the people in the world,he had to die. He ceases to live. Why? Is there seriously some other reason than what the coroner told me? I know that everyone has to go one day, but why him? And why did it have to be so soon in my life-before I could accomplish anything and he could be proud of me for something.
I write these stupid blogs like every week hoping that I'll soon find acceptance in myself to move on.I can't.I cannot what so ever move on from losing him. I think about it everyday and it's in my dreams and everything. I never thought that I would be a million miles away from my father.Never. And now my worst fear is coming so fast towards me and I just want to run away.-I'm losing my mom again. She's probably tired of me saying that but it's how it is. I want to leave for Pittsburgh so bad but then again..I'm afraid to get the call one night that she's been taken from me. I don't want to leave my brother with her because he's rebelling so bad against his self.He has the potential to be a great kid but he's just following in the wrong footpath and I'm so scared for him. I know that he will never allow himself to pick up and move on from the "bad life." He thinks that what he's doing right now is so "cool" but he's only 12 and it breaks my heart to watch him do all this stuff and his life is just falling apart. My mother set him up for failure. No matter how hard I try I can never change them. I fucking hate that out of all the good people in the world-they die first and the horrible people still have a heartbeat at the end of the day.

But I'll always be a million miles away.

I don't think that I'll be able to move on in my life until this is all over. And over it will never be. I'll be stuck in this mess for the rest of my life.