Empty spaces fill with dread.

My heart still flares up when I think about you. I feel the match light the fire that you left in me.
I miss you. There are so many things going on right now and I just feel that I really need him in my life. I don't want to look out at graduation and NOT see you there. I hate thinking about it. I shouldn't be throwing my own graduation party and planning things on my own. You should be here to help me right now but you're not and I hate you for it. You're not here to help me with college or anything. I just want to know what you would think about and I want to hear your opinion on my life. I can't stand that you left me at such an awkward time. I hate crying about it and I hate trying to find things to occupy myself with because you're gone. I don't want you to consume my life anymore.

I'm actually fearing my wedding day somewhat just for the simple fact that you cannot walk with me. You're not going to be here to see my children or watch them grow. You can't see the person I grow to be.

I find myself trying to put myself in your shoes...what it would have been like waking up all those mornings and thinking... "I'm going to risk my life today and get high..just because it feels good." I wonder if you thought of the impact it would have on your daughter and her future and happiness. All the times that you told me that you had the dark circles under your eyes when I was little was because you couldn't sleep because you were worried about me. It was true and I believed you. But in the safety of your own arms you still had them and you lied to me for the reason they were there. I wanted to change you even more than I wanted to change my mom because you were just starting and she had made her way down the path many times. I wish you would have stayed here and gave yourself the chance to watch life progress. It wasn't as hard as you made it out to be. I'm feeling this anger right now because I watch my mom do everything you did and I can't stop her even though I can see her whenever I want. She's making her own choices...the same as you. She's fighting with herself...and her demons are winning. It really bothers me that she stood over your dead body and said she would change her life and now she's back to her same old ways. I hear so many stories about her and I for some odd reason, believe them. On the other hand...I don't feel that way towards you because I knew what kind of man you were when you were sober. I never got the chance to fully know her and I doubt that I ever will considering the alcohol is more refreshing than the smiles on her childrens faces.

You both took the pussy way out and tried to escape it. Life was changing and you just couldn't see it! It was getting better. I was getting better. I was letting go of wanting to fix my mom and I was trying to break free from being so depressed and down about her all the time..and then you did the most greedy thing a parent could ever do to their child..you took yourself away from me without a reason or a goodbye. For that , I am pissed off. For that reason I hate you today.

I wanted to talk to you today really bad but I couldn't find you. Then I started to think about it and I realized that I can't find someone that's been taken....and then another thing struck me.....you weren't taken, you just left. For that.....<<< I hate you.