I was way too young when you left my side

When I was younger I use to climb out of my bedroom window and sit upon my roof. It was pretty high off the ground,but for some reason I always wondered how it would feel to have the wind hitting my face as I fall to the ground. I would stand at the tip of the roof just to pretend. There was always a nice little breeze that swept through my hair; it felt so good.

The thought of how the cold air would grasp onto me as I plunged toward something I didn't know was so fascinating to me. As I got a little bit older I would think more and more about it. Sitting on the roof, I would catch myself looking down just to see what was there and what I could fall on and I wondered how much it would hurt.My mind eventually started drifting towards larger buildings and how far I would fall. I can't describe the feeling I get when I think about it. Realizing now that my whole childhood I had suicidal thoughts, I ask myself the question :"why?" I played around with things so much-always trying to figure out what would hurt me and what wouldn't-and once I figured out the bad, I poked at it even more. Now that I'm older and my childhood fears are coming back to haunt me, I keep thinking about it. Everything is going so well for me right now but I keep trying to fix my mother and it's been an ongoing battle that I just don't want to play anymore.Saving her is not my job-I failed at my last attempt.
Today during school I spaced out quite a bit. Thoughts that I shouldn't ever think about floated threw my mind.



I want to stand on the edge of a building in the middle of the night while it's raining.....poring rain at that.I want to feel the wind blow threw my wet hair.I want to just let go of all my worries and let my feet slip off the ledge....I want to feel my clothing flap in the wet,windy fall. I haven't felt about the end yet. I don't know whether I want to get back up and continue on with my night or if I would just let that be it.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just troubled and heart broken and fed up. I'm hurt and I've been hurt all of my life by my mother and father with their constant abuse of their life. It's like they don't care. Maybe when I was little I was thinking..."If I just fall maybe they'll be there to catch me and tell me it's all okay.Maybe my troubles will fall away from me and I'll be here where I should be."
In July I'll be in a big city and I can't wait to be a nobody to just blend into the crowd of people and disappear. I don't want anyone to "save" me. I deal with my problems on my own. I just want to know that I still have emotions and feelings from time to time... I've become numb the past 3 years and I just need a little reassurance.



Think what you will,but you can't tell me you've never thought of things. Don't tell me you've never had an aching in your heart and soul so bad that you just don't want to feel it anymore. Don't make me out to be crazy.-I know just how I am.
The ONE thing I tried to hold onto has been ripped away from me....and now the only thing I had remaining has ran from her problems to a simple solution. I wish I could be as pathetic but there has to be something for me to live for after all.

Wish I could understand

I can't help it.-I just know that my soul needs time to itself right now. I haven't quite healed and sometimes it feels like I never will.
April 23rd with be the 3 year anniversary of my father's death. It doesn't seem right that someone can be so full of life and character and the next second be...gone. All your life you work so hard and in the end it turns out that you're going to the same place as everyone else and all that time wasted was for what everyone ends up getting in the end. Why is there death? I just can't seem to comprehend that out of all the people in the world,he had to die. He ceases to live. Why? Is there seriously some other reason than what the coroner told me? I know that everyone has to go one day, but why him? And why did it have to be so soon in my life-before I could accomplish anything and he could be proud of me for something.
I write these stupid blogs like every week hoping that I'll soon find acceptance in myself to move on.I can't.I cannot what so ever move on from losing him. I think about it everyday and it's in my dreams and everything. I never thought that I would be a million miles away from my father.Never. And now my worst fear is coming so fast towards me and I just want to run away.-I'm losing my mom again. She's probably tired of me saying that but it's how it is. I want to leave for Pittsburgh so bad but then again..I'm afraid to get the call one night that she's been taken from me. I don't want to leave my brother with her because he's rebelling so bad against his self.He has the potential to be a great kid but he's just following in the wrong footpath and I'm so scared for him. I know that he will never allow himself to pick up and move on from the "bad life." He thinks that what he's doing right now is so "cool" but he's only 12 and it breaks my heart to watch him do all this stuff and his life is just falling apart. My mother set him up for failure. No matter how hard I try I can never change them. I fucking hate that out of all the good people in the world-they die first and the horrible people still have a heartbeat at the end of the day.

But I'll always be a million miles away.

I don't think that I'll be able to move on in my life until this is all over. And over it will never be. I'll be stuck in this mess for the rest of my life.

I often find myself wondering if I'll ever really see my father again. The thought of heaven actually existing is a bit too much for me to comprehend. Wanting to see him so bad again makes me feel like a desperate little fiend; like a child that needs candy...or that lady that needs another fix. Everyone says it's been so long, but I'm not counting the years he's been gone; I'm counting the days until I can possibly meet him again and then again, I think of all the time he's been away from me and I wonder if he would even recognize me if he were to see me. The great big bond that use to be there; father and daughter; would that still be there? Would I still feel the same connection if he were sitting in this same room with me? Sometimes the things you want so bad aren't that great in the end. If he would have never died...I would not be sitting here right now. I would most likely be a drop out and I would have given up on a lot of things already because of the constant stress of my mom and dad fighting. Never getting along with his wife was something that killed my home life. Strange thing being-now I get along with her because she's the only thing I can keep from my father's passing that can relate to me.Now it seems so much easier to talk to her and get along with her, but I don't understand why I was so rebellious before. Everything could have been much simpler if I would have just gave in a little bit and made the effort to not be such a bitch.
Someone asked me today...."Angeleyea-if you were to see your father for ONLY one minute...what would you say..how would you feel?"
-I can't answer this question because at different times I feel different ways about the way things have turned out. There is nothing that can be said in one minute to make up for 3 years. Not even "I love you" would be enough. It wouldn't be good enough....what I really need to say things to him and "I love you" it's just too simple. I don't know if he would have something to say to me. I fear that I wouldn't give the right kind of love or hug or something and I would regret everything after that minute was up. Saying goodbye again would be even worse than the first time. I never actually said goodbye to begin with...so saying goodbye for real would be just.....horrible.
-There...that's your answer. There is nothing else I can think of to tell you. It's a really deep question and I don't think I gave the BEST answer..but....it's good enough.

Pittsburgh is coming oh so fast and too soon. We have stuff ready and a lot of things lined up for our move. July 15th...wow.

I've got my wedding dress picked out and EVERYTHING else.

Don't have very long

Although I'm very young,I've had a lot of things go wrong in my short life.
These things have given me wisdom and have shaped me to become the Angeleyea that I am today.I don't like these tragedies...but I more or less couldn't live without them.
I know that I'm not liked by people, and that's fine.
I'd rather have a few friends that like me for me and not people who pretend to just to make me feel better.
I have a life,and as crazy as it may seem,I love it. There are parts that I could do without....and somedays I don't even want to exhist.
Today was a non-existing day for me.
I vanished.
I wasn't here.
(ugh..i wish.)
But it's becoming more evident of who I'm meant to be.
It may seem strange,because it is,but....I've "found myself."
Among the crowds & losers that follow....I've found Angeleyea.
Starting now...I am who I am....like me or not,I don't give a fuck anymore.
I don't plan on being a social person anymore. I don't like the drama.
I just like to be alone.I like the silence,and I like the peacefulness.
I like to think of the past.I like to feel upset.
It fuels me & my art.
It makes me live in another time.
I hate now.I don't like it. ( i love the people in my life & the way I live it)
But I hate what's going on around me.
I hate being judge for the people in my family. I don't like to be turned away from oppurtunities just because of how certain people in my family live their life.
I'm different from them.
A lot different.
Just know that.

Ugh...

I feel really tired today.
I thought that I would just go over some of the things that have been annoying me lately....
1)Emo people; They suck.I hate how think their life sucks so bad that they need to be dramatic and cut themselves....have you seriously went through ANYTHING in your little life to feel so depressed? I think not. solution:Stop being such a fucking cry baby because your mommy won't drive you to hang out with your other emo lame ass friends....just shut up and go buy shit from hot topic....oh..cut deeper dipshits..you're not doing it right.
2)"Stalkers"; What do you think of when you first wake up? "Hmmm...maybe I'll snoop through EVERYTHING Angeleyea wrote yesterday and then give her dirty looks all day...yeah..that sounds like a great idea!" Wrong. It's not.I doesn't really effect me...it just pisses me off...and the more you do it, well....Sound interesting???? hope so.Stop making FAKE myspaces and come up to me and say what you have to say. If you're going to be a pussy, don't even bother talking your shit.
3)"Mainstream Music"; Do you really like it? Seriously? Ew. Rap..hip hop...R&B? It's fucking stupid. I've never listened to anything more retarded in my fucking life. But the really sad thing is that there are actually people that like those songs!!!!!! Wow. Songs about lipgloss,jeans & boots,food, and ass.....it's just dumb. I don't see how it can even be interesting to anyone...but I guess the world is full of retards now.lol. Get better taste in music. you fail at life.
4)Perves in Stikam; Stop coming into my video chat and showing me your tiny man parts. It's gross. I clearly said that I don't want to see that. And I don't even want to talk to guys. It's nasty. I think that people that can just show their junk online or randomly anywhere should just be shot. If I want to see a tiny wang, I'll ask. But I'll never want to EVER see that. You should have never been born.lol. It's gross,pathetic,and tiny. Aren't you embarrassed of that thing?
5)Hot weather; Can't be changed but it's annoying and yucky. I hate when my legs stick to the seats in the car...ew.lol.
6)"PC4PC"; Don't msg me with that. I'm not going to comment on your pics if you comment on mine. It's dumb. Don't even bother.
7)Beggers; Get a job. Stop mooching off of your family and get a job. If you ask me for $, the answer is NO. You may say I'm a big meany..lol.but I'm not going to help someone that's not even bothered by not helping themselves.Grow a set of balls and go put in an application dude.
Well..that's all that has been irking me this week.lol.
Um....I'm on the laptop again...so no aim. I mean yeah.it's on here..but I dont like to be on instant messengers when I'm on the laptop...it's just bleh...