I often find myself wondering if I'll ever really see my father again. The thought of heaven actually existing is a bit too much for me to comprehend. Wanting to see him so bad again makes me feel like a desperate little fiend; like a child that needs candy...or that lady that needs another fix. Everyone says it's been so long, but I'm not counting the years he's been gone; I'm counting the days until I can possibly meet him again and then again, I think of all the time he's been away from me and I wonder if he would even recognize me if he were to see me. The great big bond that use to be there; father and daughter; would that still be there? Would I still feel the same connection if he were sitting in this same room with me? Sometimes the things you want so bad aren't that great in the end. If he would have never died...I would not be sitting here right now. I would most likely be a drop out and I would have given up on a lot of things already because of the constant stress of my mom and dad fighting. Never getting along with his wife was something that killed my home life. Strange thing being-now I get along with her because she's the only thing I can keep from my father's passing that can relate to me.Now it seems so much easier to talk to her and get along with her, but I don't understand why I was so rebellious before. Everything could have been much simpler if I would have just gave in a little bit and made the effort to not be such a bitch.
Someone asked me today...."Angeleyea-if you were to see your father for ONLY one minute...what would you say..how would you feel?"
-I can't answer this question because at different times I feel different ways about the way things have turned out. There is nothing that can be said in one minute to make up for 3 years. Not even "I love you" would be enough. It wouldn't be good enough....what I really need to say things to him and "I love you" it's just too simple. I don't know if he would have something to say to me. I fear that I wouldn't give the right kind of love or hug or something and I would regret everything after that minute was up. Saying goodbye again would be even worse than the first time. I never actually said goodbye to begin with...so saying goodbye for real would be just.....horrible.
-There...that's your answer. There is nothing else I can think of to tell you. It's a really deep question and I don't think I gave the BEST answer..but....it's good enough.

Pittsburgh is coming oh so fast and too soon. We have stuff ready and a lot of things lined up for our move. July 15th...wow.

I've got my wedding dress picked out and EVERYTHING else.