I'd give up forever.-I mean it.

It's April 9th.This would mark the 3rd year anniversary that I went away to my mom's for Spring Break. And it just so happens to be the last day I saw my father....I can tell that depression is starting to settle in again because I feel so distant and I can't sleep or eat. I remember that day so well....
We got off school earlier than usual (it was my freshman year) and I remember that on the way home on the bus I was talking to some old lady that was on there about what I was going to do on Spring Break and I kept mentioning how I couldn't wait to get out of my dads for a while. I didn't really have plans but I just knew I wanted to be away from him an Kelli. When I got home I saw 4 referrals on the counter from me not wanting to abide by the school dress code. I was for sure he was going to be pissed so I grabbed the papers and waited for him to get home. When he got there he came in the living room and sat down on the couch. He seemed really agitated and sick. I tried to explain why I got into trouble but he told me "Not now Angel! We'll talk about it later! Damn."
I kind of started to think that I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere. Soon Kelli came home and they left. I was home alone to pack all of the stuff I would need for my break. I packed the most ridiculous stuff too-scrap booking things,paint,ps2 (it was still cool then.lol),ipod,and a shit load of stuff I would never really use while I was gone. When my dad got home he seen all of my belongings packed in boxes and bags. I remember him saying "Don't you think you're taking too much? You're only going to be gone a few days after all." We even argued over a stupid bag that he didn't want me to take because he said it was his and I would ruin it or lose it or something dumb. After a couple minutes of fussing around he offered to take my stuff out to my mom's car and I completely turned him down. He just said to me "It's like you're taking everything.....almost makes me feel like you're not ever coming home. Love you kid. Be good. Call me." And then I pushed past him being a little bitch.I didn't even say anything back. I know it hurt that I didn't say "I love you." He always asked me if I loved him more than my mom. I think it was important to him because they would use me as their pawn in the game of "Fuck Life."
I never knew that my last goodbye would be wasted like that. I'll never be able to take by my harsh words or bitchy little actions. I would honestly do ANYTHING to be back there and I wouldn't have left. I would have stayed there and I would have talked to him, and I would have actually been a loving daughter. It's what he deserved after all.He was a very good dad. The least I could have done was been there to help him.
After a couple days at my moms it was Easter and he stopped by my aunts to see if I wanted to come over to spend time with him. I told him now and I asked him to leave me alone while I was spending time with my mom. He looked so rejected and hurt. I remember Kelli yelling at me and telling me I need to come home with my "family" and stop having an attitude. He gave me a little hug through the door but it wasn't enough to really count for anything.
When I got inside I had the worst attitude about my dad showing up and I said "GOD! I hope he fucking dies soon so I can live my life!!!!" my aunt got on me about saying that. She told me that she said that about her mom and then after she died she regretted it and it makes her loss so much more painful.I blew it off as nothing.
April 23rd......he died of multiple drug toxicity. I wished for things that I didn't need. I asked for too much for too long and even though I know it was an accident it still feels like he would have wanted to give up on things. You can only go on for so long being who you are and being so unhappy and pushed away. I know he wanted so much more for himself. He told me so. He was only 31. He didn't even get to start life.....I wasn't all the things I should have been and he probably felt like he was failing in life and he couldn't do any better. He had settled for less so long ago that he didn't want to actually do anything.
He was there for me so much and now that I'm about to graduate I want to just give up because he won't be there for me. When I look out there.....there will be an empty seat and no one will notice it but me because I'll know who that seat was for....and I know why he didn't show up.
I know people move on and I know time is suppose to heal everything..but ....I still haven't let it go and it's tearing me apart right now. I hate it so bad and I miss him so much.
I went to his funeral...but he won't show up at my graduation...or wedding....or....anything...my life.
I think about him all the time. It's lonely where he is...it's lonely where I am.

Never shined doing what I've shown.

 

At 6 o'clock in the morning the last thing that I wanted to hear was loud music. I never used an alarm clock,but I would only wake up if I could hear my fathers music playing really loud. He would always put in the same Metallica CD and it would play.The song that would signal for me to get up and get up right then was a song called "Fuel." I'll never forget that.
Gimme Fuel,
Gimme Fire,
Gimme that which I desire,
Ooh!

Turn on...I see red
Adrenaline crash & crash my head
Nitro Junkie, Paint me dead
And I see red

One hundred plus through Black and White
War Horse, Warhead
Fuck 'Em Man, white knuckles tight
Through Black & White

Ohhh, On I Burn,
Fuel is pumping engines,
Burning hard, loose & clean

And I burn,
Churning my direction,
Quench my thirst with Gasoline

So Gimme Fuel,
Gimme Fire,
Gimme that which I desire,

Hey

Turn on beyond the bone
Swallow future, spit out home
Burn your face upon the crome
Yeah!

Take the corner, join the crash,
Headlights, Headlines
Another Junkie lives too fast
Yeah lives way too fast, fast, fast, oohh-aye

Ohhh, On I Burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose & clean

And On I burn
Churning my direction,
Quench my thirst with Gasoline

So Gimme Fuel
Gimme Fire
Gimme that which I desire

Yeah-Heah

White Knuckle Tight!
(solo)

Gimmie Fuel.... On I burn, on and on
Gimmie Fire.... On I burn, on and on
My Desire....

Ohhh, On I Burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose & clean

And I burn
Churning my direction
Quench my thirst with Gasoline

Gimme Fuel
Gimme Fire
Gimme that which I desire
Ooh

On I Burn!

Whenever I fall asleep listening to my ipod I almost always wake up to that song. Often it's the song "Sandman" by Metallica...and I usually fall asleep listening to Led Zeppelin or something. Is there really ways of communication through music? I would like to think so. It seems ever so strange that with just a song you can immediately feel all of your past emotions and everything seems so real. 

Sometimes I close my eyes and I'll put in my ear buds and listen to metallica and I'll slowly start to let the music get louder-almost like it's being turned up by him. And I'll take myself back to my old bedroom in my mind.-Painted purple & burgundy. I lay in my bed trying to imagine him in the other room getting ready for work. At 6:30am he would always open my door a little to make sure I was awake and getting my things gathered up for the day. He would just say "be good." My dad was a simple person.Not complex at all nor was he confusing. He was straight forward. Now that he's gone I feel closer to him but I also feel so far away.

Thinking about it now, I can remember times that I would just sit down and listen to his music after he passed away and I would close my eyes and get the sense that he was sitting there with me rocking out. I never thought that I would be just like him.-really-I didn't.I thought that I would end up being a really disfunctional girly-girl but I'm actually a really weird,disfuctional,artsy,loner type person. For the life of me I cannot make myself any happier.I'm starting to embrace this because it what has shaped me the past three years. Tragedy is my inspiration. 

In all honesty, I cannot function without music. Its the soundtrack of our lives,it burns memories to an era. Music truely has a magical connection to now and then. Think about it. If I say "Bohemian Rhapsody"- you either are thinking of Econoline vans with captains chairs or Waynes World! Music is a time machine. It can take you to the past with Led Zeppelin or to the future. I can't recall a lot of math formulas I've learned in school but I know every word to almost every 70s&80s rock song I've ever listened to.-Especially if it has an emotional attachment.

I highly recommend that you get in touch with your past-whether it be good or bad it's good to travel back there and take a good look at how you've come so far in your life.

3 years really does make the difference.

((I'll probably update this too))