Sometimes I feel like one of those creepy artsy ladies from the city....you know the kind....they live in shitty apartments but for some reason,they find the beauty in what it use to be.They live alone because no one else can feed their twisted soul what it desires quite like they can.They love the sound of the rain tapping against their windows and they don't mind the trash that piles up on the streets. They live their life in their mind. On the walls there are paintings of what she's ripped out of her heart and splashed oh so violently on canvas.-it was acceptable that way.
Her bed isn't simply made, no.... It's draped in cloths & candles. The more pillows, the better. There is no need for a television in her apartment because all she needs are the memories in her mind that seem to be on replaying over and over these days.
Yeah...weird..I know. But lately I feel like I'm somewhere else. Like I said, this just doesn't feel like home.
I want to be in a big city; a city so big that no one knows my name. People ignore me and most of the time people won't even notice I'm alive because I wan't make myself known. I want to walk the streets at night with a fear in my heart....I want to be alone. I want to have my violent fits of rages whenever I damn well please. I want to have my own day where I can just lay in bed and cry if I want....
I want to be able to sit at my kitchen table at 4am and drink tea in complete silence. I want to be able to sit in the middle of the floor and just draw....I don't care what room I'm in or how uncomfortable that damn floor is...I just want to be on it. (that could apply for more than one thing ;) )
I know that all of the things I WANT aren't necessarily what I NEED. And in a way, all the things that I want are things that will just feed this little demon called depression. I know that what I NEED is to find some happiness and to move on. Truth is...I'm not ready.
I want to be alone.
I want to think about it for a really long time.
I want to throw away everything in my life and just start over.
I want nothing.
I want to just sit there.
I want to soak it all in and accept it...IN MY OWN WAY...IN MY OWN TIME.
I don't want it to last forever.
But I do want it to just take some time.
I wanted to punch some lady in the face today because she pissed me off.
I wanted to grab her by the back of her head and to twist her hair in my hands and just beat the shit out of her. ;)
The funny thing is though, she didn't really do anything out of the ordinary.
She was a stranger.
So..yeah.
I just want to be alone...to be left alone.
No friends.No family.No phone.No TV.No PC.
Nothing.
I need to get a grip soon though...
Anger & depression are taking over ever so quickly these days.
I'm afraid I might let them take control.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Consumed with what's to transpire
It's 5:42am, and I can't sleep. Just full of anxiety, unknown anxiety like I am channeling it from someone or somewhere else. I have an unclear mind with it.... it's not even fluid thoughts but choppy static murmurs I can't understand what they are saying or getting at...it's frustrating! It's also frustrating to feel like my heart is going to burst open through my throat.I wonder if it will burst if I vomit?...eek.
I've been seeing them again; the shadows come to life and they are noticing that I see them again, and this means the violet battle of dreams will be here shortly too. These feelings are sucking out any love and hope I have; just pumping stress and annoyance into me. All is lost, no hope.
My wings hurt....yes, my wings..there are weights on the the torn skin on my back...weights are one me again and it's more personal than anything. What new changes lie ahead? I can't help but to pull my head up and back to look.
Lately I have felt the need to talk to someone again...to just unload all of my issues onto others. I attract talkers, those who have to tell me their bad things they have done, as if I am some priest. I don't understand why random people try to drag out a converstaion from me...as is being quiet is so bad. I used to joke that I am a sin eater; I eat other peoples sins and take them upon my own. I think it is real. Do I unload/clear my soul of all this jargon? Not sure but what can a person do for me anyway.
My heart feels pinned against the wall away from me, and it's stressed as well. Anymore stress it will bleed again. It's not the caretakers fault..he is adding all the love,care,comfort,and kindness he can, it's just that it's me and my problems that are messing up his care, I'm sorry.
My legs feel nailed to the ground, they are stopping me from moving forward, I'm ready to cut them and crawl forward, but if I do then my hands will be nailed and if I still try then the nail in my back will impale me...but I will still try even if my heart bursts. I'm not ready to be pulled back, I've done so much and given up a few things to be able to be where I am. I only seek what my heart and soul wants. Why damn me for the teachings that have been impregnated into my mind when I was younger?
Don't give me wings only to clip them, I'll go on til the last drop of blood falls.
ANOTHER RANDOM RANT>>>>>>>
The silver light that illuminates my hallways as I walk past the doors of my life flutters to a rhythm that is off beat and inconsistent like my mind lately. The shadows are movings and creating pictures of the past. I walk this path over and over again like I am stuck on a treadmill and not going anywhere. I see my father coming in and out of the doors but nor sure which one to be in so I can have him in my life again. I am reaching out to him, shouting his name, but he cannot hear, he just smiles and says "angel..." I keep walking and hoping the ground will break under me and let me run forward and begin the chase. Instead the hallway gets longer and I am left to think if I'm doing the right thing for you.I slow down to a stop ...the treadmill stops and I stand there looking at the doors,which one....or is it every door.
I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong door and it will push you away from me even more. None of these doors look promising or hopeful, they look more like bleeding hearts ready to shred apart and drown into tears. I am lost again and don't know what to do. Am I real anymore, am I needed here? Am I anything......I don't feel like I am. Even if I lay here and wait to be run over or drowned in the past, I see your happy face saying my name.....I crawl to you but I don't know if I can handle it... I am the light bearer for them all but who will light my way or give me some kind of strength when it seems like most people are stepping me down into the dirt........show me how to get to the end....or to you....
Now it's a sleepless rant...I'll STFU now before it becomes a short story and some how it's 5:42am again.....Time has stood still :(
I've been seeing them again; the shadows come to life and they are noticing that I see them again, and this means the violet battle of dreams will be here shortly too. These feelings are sucking out any love and hope I have; just pumping stress and annoyance into me. All is lost, no hope.
My wings hurt....yes, my wings..there are weights on the the torn skin on my back...weights are one me again and it's more personal than anything. What new changes lie ahead? I can't help but to pull my head up and back to look.
Lately I have felt the need to talk to someone again...to just unload all of my issues onto others. I attract talkers, those who have to tell me their bad things they have done, as if I am some priest. I don't understand why random people try to drag out a converstaion from me...as is being quiet is so bad. I used to joke that I am a sin eater; I eat other peoples sins and take them upon my own. I think it is real. Do I unload/clear my soul of all this jargon? Not sure but what can a person do for me anyway.
My heart feels pinned against the wall away from me, and it's stressed as well. Anymore stress it will bleed again. It's not the caretakers fault..he is adding all the love,care,comfort,and kindness he can, it's just that it's me and my problems that are messing up his care, I'm sorry.
My legs feel nailed to the ground, they are stopping me from moving forward, I'm ready to cut them and crawl forward, but if I do then my hands will be nailed and if I still try then the nail in my back will impale me...but I will still try even if my heart bursts. I'm not ready to be pulled back, I've done so much and given up a few things to be able to be where I am. I only seek what my heart and soul wants. Why damn me for the teachings that have been impregnated into my mind when I was younger?
Don't give me wings only to clip them, I'll go on til the last drop of blood falls.
ANOTHER RANDOM RANT>>>>>>>
The silver light that illuminates my hallways as I walk past the doors of my life flutters to a rhythm that is off beat and inconsistent like my mind lately. The shadows are movings and creating pictures of the past. I walk this path over and over again like I am stuck on a treadmill and not going anywhere. I see my father coming in and out of the doors but nor sure which one to be in so I can have him in my life again. I am reaching out to him, shouting his name, but he cannot hear, he just smiles and says "angel..." I keep walking and hoping the ground will break under me and let me run forward and begin the chase. Instead the hallway gets longer and I am left to think if I'm doing the right thing for you.I slow down to a stop ...the treadmill stops and I stand there looking at the doors,which one....or is it every door.
I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong door and it will push you away from me even more. None of these doors look promising or hopeful, they look more like bleeding hearts ready to shred apart and drown into tears. I am lost again and don't know what to do. Am I real anymore, am I needed here? Am I anything......I don't feel like I am. Even if I lay here and wait to be run over or drowned in the past, I see your happy face saying my name.....I crawl to you but I don't know if I can handle it... I am the light bearer for them all but who will light my way or give me some kind of strength when it seems like most people are stepping me down into the dirt........show me how to get to the end....or to you....
Now it's a sleepless rant...I'll STFU now before it becomes a short story and some how it's 5:42am again.....Time has stood still :(
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
You die for love.
It's hard to find something to do with your days during the summer.
There is feeling of wanting to be alone, but then again, if you're alone you think of all the "what if's & why this;why that" shit.
Being around people just doesn't seem to cut it when you don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Conversations become meaningless and everything you've always tried to repress just resurfaces over again.
I get so tired of feeling happy one minute and then so completely opposite the next.
They all say to just take pills..it will go away.-I say...NO.
I don't need medication to make it go away because it's normal to be upset about what I'm dwelling on. I mean, it may not be "healthy" to live with it everyday and to just dwell on it and let it linger, but in a way..his memory is still with me.
Like tonight, I drove by Speedway..and don't you just love when all those little "events" pop up in your mind....
anyways.....I think it went something like this;
It was a couple months into the school year (9th grade to be exact), and me being the little deviant that I am..I decided to not abide by the dresscode....how bad could a detention be anways. I remember this day too. It was in the fall, and it was kind of cold outside. I was sent to Mr. Nicholi for wearing "jeans"....they were khaki though...ugh. He gave me a two hour detention and no way to call for a ride after school.
On my way to the room, I saw someone that I had a crush on and it seemed to make the time go by really fast. As soon as I got out of there my dad was in the office and he was really pissed off because I didn't call him and he was worried that something had happened to me. There was a brief arguement between my father and the principal and then we headed for the truck.
It was so cold outside..that's one thing that I just remember so clearly.
As we pulled away from the school I seen that person that I was talking to during my detention and my dad got really pissed at me.
After a couple of minutes he went down some random street and said, "Fuck it,I'll get gas now."
With it being so cold outside I figured that I might as well get coffee or something.
I felt bad for my dad when he was pumping gas because he had just had a shoulder surgery and he was wearing the cast/sling thing.
When I came back out the the truck, I spilled the coffee as I was trying to sit down. He must have though that it got on his floor because he went crazy and smacked me on the arm.
It was pretty awkward driving home, but after a little while he started talking to me in his strange way that he did.....he asked me how my day was and was joking about how much of a bitch kelly had been since he can't go back to work for a while. The smiled and everything...he was laughing about it all....but when we got home, all the stress seemed to jump on him again and he was in a terrible mood. I watched him go from high to low.
I don't know why but if I could, I would have thanked Mr. Nicholi for that detention.I'm glad that I wore the wrong pants that day. I'm glad that I had that conversation with my father. I'm happy that just for a little while, he was happy. Now everytime I drive by that gas station, I think of my dad and the funny way he would flip out when I would step in the oil spots because it would mess up his interior. I miss the way he would get mad at me for the little things like sneezing and laughing because it would irritate him.
I miss when he would ask me what I was thinking about.
It always seemed like a dumb question to me, but now that I think about it...he just wanted to know what was on my mind. I wish I would have talked to him more.
There are times when I just have to stop over at my old house and walk around in the yard just because it brings back memories..and although they hurt me so much and kill my heart over & over again..I keep doing it just because I can feel him there.
I sometimes look into the windows and I can see the spot where he died because there is a stain.
It's just proof that he's really gone.
When I walk into the back yard by his old shed I remember the last conversation we had there. I wanted to go to the park to see my friend and he argued with me that I was going to see a boy when I really wasn't. I begged to just leave the house because I was grounded to begin with. He was washing his Blazer.....I kept running my fingers through the soap....he would get mad. lol.
Anyways..he let me go for a while. (an hour).....TWO hours later he drove through the park and told me to be home soon. THREE hours later a cop drove up to me and my friend and asked me where I was supposed to be and she told me to get home because my dad was looking for me.
When I did get back home, he was standing in the front yard with the phone talking to my mom or my grandma. He was seriously pissed of to me that I took advantage of the privelege he gave me. At first I didn't see why he was so mad, but now that I think about....I would have been too. He just cared.
Even though people talk about my dad and say he was a shitty guy, I know different. I know different because I saw different. My dad was a really good man.
It hurts me think of how he had to struggle so much though. He always tried really hard to make me happy and to take care of me and to make sure I was okay at night. He woke up at 6am every morning and went to a shitty job just because he loved me and he had responsibilities.
He would think of me so much throughout the day that he would actually sneek and text me stupid jokes.
I get greedy with my memories and with what I use to have. I guess I just try to hold it all in for myself because I don't want to forget. I make him seem like he was just a terrible man somtimes just because I can't believe he left me. All in all, my dad was a great man. I never realized how many people he knew until his funeral. I never realized that I wasn't the only person there that loved him. I need to realize that I'm not the only person here that lost him. Kelly lost a husband, my mom lost her first love, my grandma lost her "son-in-law", I lost my dad, and many people lost a friend, Tony lost his brother,Gage lost his uncle......he was someone to everyone.
I seem to be the only person stuck in the mess he created and left.
Everyone dies.
No matter what you do you die.
Everything you do is for nothing.
But not really because in the end when you're gone, people remember you but they hurt because you're not here...
You die for love.
There is feeling of wanting to be alone, but then again, if you're alone you think of all the "what if's & why this;why that" shit.
Being around people just doesn't seem to cut it when you don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Conversations become meaningless and everything you've always tried to repress just resurfaces over again.
I get so tired of feeling happy one minute and then so completely opposite the next.
They all say to just take pills..it will go away.-I say...NO.
I don't need medication to make it go away because it's normal to be upset about what I'm dwelling on. I mean, it may not be "healthy" to live with it everyday and to just dwell on it and let it linger, but in a way..his memory is still with me.
Like tonight, I drove by Speedway..and don't you just love when all those little "events" pop up in your mind....
anyways.....I think it went something like this;
It was a couple months into the school year (9th grade to be exact), and me being the little deviant that I am..I decided to not abide by the dresscode....how bad could a detention be anways. I remember this day too. It was in the fall, and it was kind of cold outside. I was sent to Mr. Nicholi for wearing "jeans"....they were khaki though...ugh. He gave me a two hour detention and no way to call for a ride after school.
On my way to the room, I saw someone that I had a crush on and it seemed to make the time go by really fast. As soon as I got out of there my dad was in the office and he was really pissed off because I didn't call him and he was worried that something had happened to me. There was a brief arguement between my father and the principal and then we headed for the truck.
It was so cold outside..that's one thing that I just remember so clearly.
As we pulled away from the school I seen that person that I was talking to during my detention and my dad got really pissed at me.
After a couple of minutes he went down some random street and said, "Fuck it,I'll get gas now."
With it being so cold outside I figured that I might as well get coffee or something.
I felt bad for my dad when he was pumping gas because he had just had a shoulder surgery and he was wearing the cast/sling thing.
When I came back out the the truck, I spilled the coffee as I was trying to sit down. He must have though that it got on his floor because he went crazy and smacked me on the arm.
It was pretty awkward driving home, but after a little while he started talking to me in his strange way that he did.....he asked me how my day was and was joking about how much of a bitch kelly had been since he can't go back to work for a while. The smiled and everything...he was laughing about it all....but when we got home, all the stress seemed to jump on him again and he was in a terrible mood. I watched him go from high to low.
I don't know why but if I could, I would have thanked Mr. Nicholi for that detention.I'm glad that I wore the wrong pants that day. I'm glad that I had that conversation with my father. I'm happy that just for a little while, he was happy. Now everytime I drive by that gas station, I think of my dad and the funny way he would flip out when I would step in the oil spots because it would mess up his interior. I miss the way he would get mad at me for the little things like sneezing and laughing because it would irritate him.
I miss when he would ask me what I was thinking about.
It always seemed like a dumb question to me, but now that I think about it...he just wanted to know what was on my mind. I wish I would have talked to him more.
There are times when I just have to stop over at my old house and walk around in the yard just because it brings back memories..and although they hurt me so much and kill my heart over & over again..I keep doing it just because I can feel him there.
I sometimes look into the windows and I can see the spot where he died because there is a stain.
It's just proof that he's really gone.
When I walk into the back yard by his old shed I remember the last conversation we had there. I wanted to go to the park to see my friend and he argued with me that I was going to see a boy when I really wasn't. I begged to just leave the house because I was grounded to begin with. He was washing his Blazer.....I kept running my fingers through the soap....he would get mad. lol.
Anyways..he let me go for a while. (an hour).....TWO hours later he drove through the park and told me to be home soon. THREE hours later a cop drove up to me and my friend and asked me where I was supposed to be and she told me to get home because my dad was looking for me.
When I did get back home, he was standing in the front yard with the phone talking to my mom or my grandma. He was seriously pissed of to me that I took advantage of the privelege he gave me. At first I didn't see why he was so mad, but now that I think about....I would have been too. He just cared.
Even though people talk about my dad and say he was a shitty guy, I know different. I know different because I saw different. My dad was a really good man.
It hurts me think of how he had to struggle so much though. He always tried really hard to make me happy and to take care of me and to make sure I was okay at night. He woke up at 6am every morning and went to a shitty job just because he loved me and he had responsibilities.
He would think of me so much throughout the day that he would actually sneek and text me stupid jokes.
I get greedy with my memories and with what I use to have. I guess I just try to hold it all in for myself because I don't want to forget. I make him seem like he was just a terrible man somtimes just because I can't believe he left me. All in all, my dad was a great man. I never realized how many people he knew until his funeral. I never realized that I wasn't the only person there that loved him. I need to realize that I'm not the only person here that lost him. Kelly lost a husband, my mom lost her first love, my grandma lost her "son-in-law", I lost my dad, and many people lost a friend, Tony lost his brother,Gage lost his uncle......he was someone to everyone.
I seem to be the only person stuck in the mess he created and left.
Everyone dies.
No matter what you do you die.
Everything you do is for nothing.
But not really because in the end when you're gone, people remember you but they hurt because you're not here...
You die for love.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Empty spaces fill with dread.
My heart still flares up when I think about you. I feel the match light the fire that you left in me.
I miss you. There are so many things going on right now and I just feel that I really need him in my life. I don't want to look out at graduation and NOT see you there. I hate thinking about it. I shouldn't be throwing my own graduation party and planning things on my own. You should be here to help me right now but you're not and I hate you for it. You're not here to help me with college or anything. I just want to know what you would think about and I want to hear your opinion on my life. I can't stand that you left me at such an awkward time. I hate crying about it and I hate trying to find things to occupy myself with because you're gone. I don't want you to consume my life anymore.
I'm actually fearing my wedding day somewhat just for the simple fact that you cannot walk with me. You're not going to be here to see my children or watch them grow. You can't see the person I grow to be.
I find myself trying to put myself in your shoes...what it would have been like waking up all those mornings and thinking... "I'm going to risk my life today and get high..just because it feels good." I wonder if you thought of the impact it would have on your daughter and her future and happiness. All the times that you told me that you had the dark circles under your eyes when I was little was because you couldn't sleep because you were worried about me. It was true and I believed you. But in the safety of your own arms you still had them and you lied to me for the reason they were there. I wanted to change you even more than I wanted to change my mom because you were just starting and she had made her way down the path many times. I wish you would have stayed here and gave yourself the chance to watch life progress. It wasn't as hard as you made it out to be. I'm feeling this anger right now because I watch my mom do everything you did and I can't stop her even though I can see her whenever I want. She's making her own choices...the same as you. She's fighting with herself...and her demons are winning. It really bothers me that she stood over your dead body and said she would change her life and now she's back to her same old ways. I hear so many stories about her and I for some odd reason, believe them. On the other hand...I don't feel that way towards you because I knew what kind of man you were when you were sober. I never got the chance to fully know her and I doubt that I ever will considering the alcohol is more refreshing than the smiles on her childrens faces.
You both took the pussy way out and tried to escape it. Life was changing and you just couldn't see it! It was getting better. I was getting better. I was letting go of wanting to fix my mom and I was trying to break free from being so depressed and down about her all the time..and then you did the most greedy thing a parent could ever do to their child..you took yourself away from me without a reason or a goodbye. For that , I am pissed off. For that reason I hate you today.
I wanted to talk to you today really bad but I couldn't find you. Then I started to think about it and I realized that I can't find someone that's been taken....and then another thing struck me.....you weren't taken, you just left. For that.....<<< I hate you.
I miss you. There are so many things going on right now and I just feel that I really need him in my life. I don't want to look out at graduation and NOT see you there. I hate thinking about it. I shouldn't be throwing my own graduation party and planning things on my own. You should be here to help me right now but you're not and I hate you for it. You're not here to help me with college or anything. I just want to know what you would think about and I want to hear your opinion on my life. I can't stand that you left me at such an awkward time. I hate crying about it and I hate trying to find things to occupy myself with because you're gone. I don't want you to consume my life anymore.
I'm actually fearing my wedding day somewhat just for the simple fact that you cannot walk with me. You're not going to be here to see my children or watch them grow. You can't see the person I grow to be.
I find myself trying to put myself in your shoes...what it would have been like waking up all those mornings and thinking... "I'm going to risk my life today and get high..just because it feels good." I wonder if you thought of the impact it would have on your daughter and her future and happiness. All the times that you told me that you had the dark circles under your eyes when I was little was because you couldn't sleep because you were worried about me. It was true and I believed you. But in the safety of your own arms you still had them and you lied to me for the reason they were there. I wanted to change you even more than I wanted to change my mom because you were just starting and she had made her way down the path many times. I wish you would have stayed here and gave yourself the chance to watch life progress. It wasn't as hard as you made it out to be. I'm feeling this anger right now because I watch my mom do everything you did and I can't stop her even though I can see her whenever I want. She's making her own choices...the same as you. She's fighting with herself...and her demons are winning. It really bothers me that she stood over your dead body and said she would change her life and now she's back to her same old ways. I hear so many stories about her and I for some odd reason, believe them. On the other hand...I don't feel that way towards you because I knew what kind of man you were when you were sober. I never got the chance to fully know her and I doubt that I ever will considering the alcohol is more refreshing than the smiles on her childrens faces.
You both took the pussy way out and tried to escape it. Life was changing and you just couldn't see it! It was getting better. I was getting better. I was letting go of wanting to fix my mom and I was trying to break free from being so depressed and down about her all the time..and then you did the most greedy thing a parent could ever do to their child..you took yourself away from me without a reason or a goodbye. For that , I am pissed off. For that reason I hate you today.
I wanted to talk to you today really bad but I couldn't find you. Then I started to think about it and I realized that I can't find someone that's been taken....and then another thing struck me.....you weren't taken, you just left. For that.....<<< I hate you.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I'd give up forever.-I mean it.
It's April 9th.This would mark the 3rd year anniversary that I went away to my mom's for Spring Break. And it just so happens to be the last day I saw my father....I can tell that depression is starting to settle in again because I feel so distant and I can't sleep or eat. I remember that day so well....
We got off school earlier than usual (it was my freshman year) and I remember that on the way home on the bus I was talking to some old lady that was on there about what I was going to do on Spring Break and I kept mentioning how I couldn't wait to get out of my dads for a while. I didn't really have plans but I just knew I wanted to be away from him an Kelli. When I got home I saw 4 referrals on the counter from me not wanting to abide by the school dress code. I was for sure he was going to be pissed so I grabbed the papers and waited for him to get home. When he got there he came in the living room and sat down on the couch. He seemed really agitated and sick. I tried to explain why I got into trouble but he told me "Not now Angel! We'll talk about it later! Damn."
I kind of started to think that I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere. Soon Kelli came home and they left. I was home alone to pack all of the stuff I would need for my break. I packed the most ridiculous stuff too-scrap booking things,paint,ps2 (it was still cool then.lol),ipod,and a shit load of stuff I would never really use while I was gone. When my dad got home he seen all of my belongings packed in boxes and bags. I remember him saying "Don't you think you're taking too much? You're only going to be gone a few days after all." We even argued over a stupid bag that he didn't want me to take because he said it was his and I would ruin it or lose it or something dumb. After a couple minutes of fussing around he offered to take my stuff out to my mom's car and I completely turned him down. He just said to me "It's like you're taking everything.....almost makes me feel like you're not ever coming home. Love you kid. Be good. Call me." And then I pushed past him being a little bitch.I didn't even say anything back. I know it hurt that I didn't say "I love you." He always asked me if I loved him more than my mom. I think it was important to him because they would use me as their pawn in the game of "Fuck Life."
I never knew that my last goodbye would be wasted like that. I'll never be able to take by my harsh words or bitchy little actions. I would honestly do ANYTHING to be back there and I wouldn't have left. I would have stayed there and I would have talked to him, and I would have actually been a loving daughter. It's what he deserved after all.He was a very good dad. The least I could have done was been there to help him.
After a couple days at my moms it was Easter and he stopped by my aunts to see if I wanted to come over to spend time with him. I told him now and I asked him to leave me alone while I was spending time with my mom. He looked so rejected and hurt. I remember Kelli yelling at me and telling me I need to come home with my "family" and stop having an attitude. He gave me a little hug through the door but it wasn't enough to really count for anything.
When I got inside I had the worst attitude about my dad showing up and I said "GOD! I hope he fucking dies soon so I can live my life!!!!" my aunt got on me about saying that. She told me that she said that about her mom and then after she died she regretted it and it makes her loss so much more painful.I blew it off as nothing.
April 23rd......he died of multiple drug toxicity. I wished for things that I didn't need. I asked for too much for too long and even though I know it was an accident it still feels like he would have wanted to give up on things. You can only go on for so long being who you are and being so unhappy and pushed away. I know he wanted so much more for himself. He told me so. He was only 31. He didn't even get to start life.....I wasn't all the things I should have been and he probably felt like he was failing in life and he couldn't do any better. He had settled for less so long ago that he didn't want to actually do anything.
He was there for me so much and now that I'm about to graduate I want to just give up because he won't be there for me. When I look out there.....there will be an empty seat and no one will notice it but me because I'll know who that seat was for....and I know why he didn't show up.
I know people move on and I know time is suppose to heal everything..but ....I still haven't let it go and it's tearing me apart right now. I hate it so bad and I miss him so much.
I went to his funeral...but he won't show up at my graduation...or wedding....or....anything...my life.
I think about him all the time. It's lonely where he is...it's lonely where I am.
We got off school earlier than usual (it was my freshman year) and I remember that on the way home on the bus I was talking to some old lady that was on there about what I was going to do on Spring Break and I kept mentioning how I couldn't wait to get out of my dads for a while. I didn't really have plans but I just knew I wanted to be away from him an Kelli. When I got home I saw 4 referrals on the counter from me not wanting to abide by the school dress code. I was for sure he was going to be pissed so I grabbed the papers and waited for him to get home. When he got there he came in the living room and sat down on the couch. He seemed really agitated and sick. I tried to explain why I got into trouble but he told me "Not now Angel! We'll talk about it later! Damn."
I kind of started to think that I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere. Soon Kelli came home and they left. I was home alone to pack all of the stuff I would need for my break. I packed the most ridiculous stuff too-scrap booking things,paint,ps2 (it was still cool then.lol),ipod,and a shit load of stuff I would never really use while I was gone. When my dad got home he seen all of my belongings packed in boxes and bags. I remember him saying "Don't you think you're taking too much? You're only going to be gone a few days after all." We even argued over a stupid bag that he didn't want me to take because he said it was his and I would ruin it or lose it or something dumb. After a couple minutes of fussing around he offered to take my stuff out to my mom's car and I completely turned him down. He just said to me "It's like you're taking everything.....almost makes me feel like you're not ever coming home. Love you kid. Be good. Call me." And then I pushed past him being a little bitch.I didn't even say anything back. I know it hurt that I didn't say "I love you." He always asked me if I loved him more than my mom. I think it was important to him because they would use me as their pawn in the game of "Fuck Life."
I never knew that my last goodbye would be wasted like that. I'll never be able to take by my harsh words or bitchy little actions. I would honestly do ANYTHING to be back there and I wouldn't have left. I would have stayed there and I would have talked to him, and I would have actually been a loving daughter. It's what he deserved after all.He was a very good dad. The least I could have done was been there to help him.
After a couple days at my moms it was Easter and he stopped by my aunts to see if I wanted to come over to spend time with him. I told him now and I asked him to leave me alone while I was spending time with my mom. He looked so rejected and hurt. I remember Kelli yelling at me and telling me I need to come home with my "family" and stop having an attitude. He gave me a little hug through the door but it wasn't enough to really count for anything.
When I got inside I had the worst attitude about my dad showing up and I said "GOD! I hope he fucking dies soon so I can live my life!!!!" my aunt got on me about saying that. She told me that she said that about her mom and then after she died she regretted it and it makes her loss so much more painful.I blew it off as nothing.
April 23rd......he died of multiple drug toxicity. I wished for things that I didn't need. I asked for too much for too long and even though I know it was an accident it still feels like he would have wanted to give up on things. You can only go on for so long being who you are and being so unhappy and pushed away. I know he wanted so much more for himself. He told me so. He was only 31. He didn't even get to start life.....I wasn't all the things I should have been and he probably felt like he was failing in life and he couldn't do any better. He had settled for less so long ago that he didn't want to actually do anything.
He was there for me so much and now that I'm about to graduate I want to just give up because he won't be there for me. When I look out there.....there will be an empty seat and no one will notice it but me because I'll know who that seat was for....and I know why he didn't show up.
I know people move on and I know time is suppose to heal everything..but ....I still haven't let it go and it's tearing me apart right now. I hate it so bad and I miss him so much.
I went to his funeral...but he won't show up at my graduation...or wedding....or....anything...my life.
I think about him all the time. It's lonely where he is...it's lonely where I am.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Never shined doing what I've shown.
Gimme Fuel,
Gimme Fire,
Gimme that which I desire,
Ooh!
Turn on...I see red
Adrenaline crash & crash my head
Nitro Junkie, Paint me dead
And I see red
One hundred plus through Black and White
War Horse, Warhead
Fuck 'Em Man, white knuckles tight
Through Black & White
Ohhh, On I Burn,
Fuel is pumping engines,
Burning hard, loose & clean
And I burn,
Churning my direction,
Quench my thirst with Gasoline
So Gimme Fuel,
Gimme Fire,
Gimme that which I desire,
Hey
Turn on beyond the bone
Swallow future, spit out home
Burn your face upon the crome
Yeah!
Take the corner, join the crash,
Headlights, Headlines
Another Junkie lives too fast
Yeah lives way too fast, fast, fast, oohh-aye
Ohhh, On I Burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose & clean
And On I burn
Churning my direction,
Quench my thirst with Gasoline
So Gimme Fuel
Gimme Fire
Gimme that which I desire
Yeah-Heah
White Knuckle Tight!
(solo)
Gimmie Fuel.... On I burn, on and on
Gimmie Fire.... On I burn, on and on
My Desire....
Ohhh, On I Burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose & clean
And I burn
Churning my direction
Quench my thirst with Gasoline
Gimme Fuel
Gimme Fire
Gimme that which I desire
Ooh
On I Burn!
Whenever I fall asleep listening to my ipod I almost always wake up to that song. Often it's the song "Sandman" by Metallica...and I usually fall asleep listening to Led Zeppelin or something. Is there really ways of communication through music? I would like to think so. It seems ever so strange that with just a song you can immediately feel all of your past emotions and everything seems so real.
Sometimes I close my eyes and I'll put in my ear buds and listen to metallica and I'll slowly start to let the music get louder-almost like it's being turned up by him. And I'll take myself back to my old bedroom in my mind.-Painted purple & burgundy. I lay in my bed trying to imagine him in the other room getting ready for work. At 6:30am he would always open my door a little to make sure I was awake and getting my things gathered up for the day. He would just say "be good." My dad was a simple person.Not complex at all nor was he confusing. He was straight forward. Now that he's gone I feel closer to him but I also feel so far away.
Thinking about it now, I can remember times that I would just sit down and listen to his music after he passed away and I would close my eyes and get the sense that he was sitting there with me rocking out. I never thought that I would be just like him.-really-I didn't.I thought that I would end up being a really disfunctional girly-girl but I'm actually a really weird,disfuctional,artsy,loner type person. For the life of me I cannot make myself any happier.I'm starting to embrace this because it what has shaped me the past three years. Tragedy is my inspiration.
In all honesty, I cannot function without music. Its the soundtrack of our lives,it burns memories to an era. Music truely has a magical connection to now and then. Think about it. If I say "Bohemian Rhapsody"- you either are thinking of Econoline vans with captains chairs or Waynes World! Music is a time machine. It can take you to the past with Led Zeppelin or to the future. I can't recall a lot of math formulas I've learned in school but I know every word to almost every 70s&80s rock song I've ever listened to.-Especially if it has an emotional attachment.
I highly recommend that you get in touch with your past-whether it be good or bad it's good to travel back there and take a good look at how you've come so far in your life.
3 years really does make the difference.
((I'll probably update this too))
Friday, March 27, 2009
I was way too young when you left my side
The thought of how the cold air would grasp onto me as I plunged toward something I didn't know was so fascinating to me. As I got a little bit older I would think more and more about it. Sitting on the roof, I would catch myself looking down just to see what was there and what I could fall on and I wondered how much it would hurt.My mind eventually started drifting towards larger buildings and how far I would fall. I can't describe the feeling I get when I think about it. Realizing now that my whole childhood I had suicidal thoughts, I ask myself the question :"why?" I played around with things so much-always trying to figure out what would hurt me and what wouldn't-and once I figured out the bad, I poked at it even more. Now that I'm older and my childhood fears are coming back to haunt me, I keep thinking about it. Everything is going so well for me right now but I keep trying to fix my mother and it's been an ongoing battle that I just don't want to play anymore.Saving her is not my job-I failed at my last attempt.
Today during school I spaced out quite a bit. Thoughts that I shouldn't ever think about floated threw my mind.
I want to stand on the edge of a building in the middle of the night while it's raining.....poring rain at that.I want to feel the wind blow threw my wet hair.I want to just let go of all my worries and let my feet slip off the ledge....I want to feel my clothing flap in the wet,windy fall. I haven't felt about the end yet. I don't know whether I want to get back up and continue on with my night or if I would just let that be it.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just troubled and heart broken and fed up. I'm hurt and I've been hurt all of my life by my mother and father with their constant abuse of their life. It's like they don't care. Maybe when I was little I was thinking..."If I just fall maybe they'll be there to catch me and tell me it's all okay.Maybe my troubles will fall away from me and I'll be here where I should be."
In July I'll be in a big city and I can't wait to be a nobody to just blend into the crowd of people and disappear. I don't want anyone to "save" me. I deal with my problems on my own. I just want to know that I still have emotions and feelings from time to time... I've become numb the past 3 years and I just need a little reassurance.
Think what you will,but you can't tell me you've never thought of things. Don't tell me you've never had an aching in your heart and soul so bad that you just don't want to feel it anymore. Don't make me out to be crazy.-I know just how I am.
The ONE thing I tried to hold onto has been ripped away from me....and now the only thing I had remaining has ran from her problems to a simple solution. I wish I could be as pathetic but there has to be something for me to live for after all.
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