Consumed with what's to transpire

It's 5:42am, and I can't sleep. Just full of anxiety, unknown anxiety like I am channeling it from someone or somewhere else. I have an unclear mind with it.... it's not even fluid thoughts but choppy static murmurs I can't understand what they are saying or getting at...it's frustrating! It's also frustrating to feel like my heart is going to burst open through my throat.I wonder if it will burst if I vomit?...eek.

I've been seeing them again; the shadows come to life and they are noticing that I see them again, and this means the violet battle of dreams will be here shortly too. These feelings are sucking out any love and hope I have; just pumping stress and annoyance into me. All is lost, no hope.
My wings hurt....yes, my wings..there are weights on the the torn skin on my back...weights are one me again and it's more personal than anything. What new changes lie ahead? I can't help but to pull my head up and back to look.

Lately I have felt the need to talk to someone again...to just unload all of my issues onto others. I attract talkers, those who have to tell me their bad things they have done, as if I am some priest. I don't understand why random people try to drag out a converstaion from me...as is being quiet is so bad. I used to joke that I am a sin eater; I eat other peoples sins and take them upon my own. I think it is real. Do I unload/clear my soul of all this jargon? Not sure but what can a person do for me anyway.

My heart feels pinned against the wall away from me, and it's stressed as well. Anymore stress it will bleed again. It's not the caretakers fault..he is adding all the love,care,comfort,and kindness he can, it's just that it's me and my problems that are messing up his care, I'm sorry.



My legs feel nailed to the ground, they are stopping me from moving forward, I'm ready to cut them and crawl forward, but if I do then my hands will be nailed and if I still try then the nail in my back will impale me...but I will still try even if my heart bursts. I'm not ready to be pulled back, I've done so much and given up a few things to be able to be where I am. I only seek what my heart and soul wants. Why damn me for the teachings that have been impregnated into my mind when I was younger?

Don't give me wings only to clip them, I'll go on til the last drop of blood falls.

ANOTHER RANDOM RANT>>>>>>>

The silver light that illuminates my hallways as I walk past the doors of my life flutters to a rhythm that is off beat and inconsistent like my mind lately. The shadows are movings and creating pictures of the past. I walk this path over and over again like I am stuck on a treadmill and not going anywhere. I see my father coming in and out of the doors but nor sure which one to be in so I can have him in my life again. I am reaching out to him, shouting his name, but he cannot hear, he just smiles and says "angel..." I keep walking and hoping the ground will break under me and let me run forward and begin the chase. Instead the hallway gets longer and I am left to think if I'm doing the right thing for you.I slow down to a stop ...the treadmill stops and I stand there looking at the doors,which one....or is it every door.
I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong door and it will push you away from me even more. None of these doors look promising or hopeful, they look more like bleeding hearts ready to shred apart and drown into tears. I am lost again and don't know what to do. Am I real anymore, am I needed here? Am I anything......I don't feel like I am. Even if I lay here and wait to be run over or drowned in the past, I see your happy face saying my name.....I crawl to you but I don't know if I can handle it... I am the light bearer for them all but who will light my way or give me some kind of strength when it seems like most people are stepping me down into the dirt........show me how to get to the end....or to you....

Now it's a sleepless rant...I'll STFU now before it becomes a short story and some how it's 5:42am again.....Time has stood still :(