Rest your eyes, sleepy head.

Sometimes I feel like one of those creepy artsy ladies from the city....you know the kind....they live in shitty apartments but for some reason,they find the beauty in what it use to be.They live alone because no one else can feed their twisted soul what it desires quite like they can.They love the sound of the rain tapping against their windows and they don't mind the trash that piles up on the streets. They live their life in their mind. On the walls there are paintings of what she's ripped out of her heart and splashed oh so violently on canvas.-it was acceptable that way.
Her bed isn't simply made, no.... It's draped in cloths & candles. The more pillows, the better. There is no need for a television in her apartment because all she needs are the memories in her mind that seem to be on replaying over and over these days.

Yeah...weird..I know. But lately I feel like I'm somewhere else. Like I said, this just doesn't feel like home.
I want to be in a big city; a city so big that no one knows my name. People ignore me and most of the time people won't even notice I'm alive because I wan't make myself known. I want to walk the streets at night with a fear in my heart....I want to be alone. I want to have my violent fits of rages whenever I damn well please. I want to have my own day where I can just lay in bed and cry if I want....
I want to be able to sit at my kitchen table at 4am and drink tea in complete silence. I want to be able to sit in the middle of the floor and just draw....I don't care what room I'm in or how uncomfortable that damn floor is...I just want to be on it. (that could apply for more than one thing ;) )

I know that all of the things I WANT aren't necessarily what I NEED. And in a way, all the things that I want are things that will just feed this little demon called depression. I know that what I NEED is to find some happiness and to move on. Truth is...I'm not ready.
I want to be alone.
I want to think about it for a really long time.
I want to throw away everything in my life and just start over.
I want nothing.
I want to just sit there.
I want to soak it all in and accept it...IN MY OWN WAY...IN MY OWN TIME.

I don't want it to last forever.
But I do want it to just take some time.

I wanted to punch some lady in the face today because she pissed me off.
I wanted to grab her by the back of her head and to twist her hair in my hands and just beat the shit out of her. ;)
The funny thing is though, she didn't really do anything out of the ordinary.
She was a stranger.
So..yeah.
I just want to be alone...to be left alone.
No friends.No family.No phone.No TV.No PC.
Nothing.
I need to get a grip soon though...
Anger & depression are taking over ever so quickly these days.
I'm afraid I might let them take control.