You die for love.

It's hard to find something to do with your days during the summer.
There is feeling of wanting to be alone, but then again, if you're alone you think of all the "what if's & why this;why that" shit.
Being around people just doesn't seem to cut it when you don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Conversations become meaningless and everything you've always tried to repress just resurfaces over again.
I get so tired of feeling happy one minute and then so completely opposite the next.
They all say to just take pills..it will go away.-I say...NO.
I don't need medication to make it go away because it's normal to be upset about what I'm dwelling on. I mean, it may not be "healthy" to live with it everyday and to just dwell on it and let it linger, but in a way..his memory is still with me.
Like tonight, I drove by Speedway..and don't you just love when all those little "events" pop up in your mind....
anyways.....I think it went something like this;

It was a couple months into the school year (9th grade to be exact), and me being the little deviant that I am..I decided to not abide by the dresscode....how bad could a detention be anways. I remember this day too. It was in the fall, and it was kind of cold outside. I was sent to Mr. Nicholi for wearing "jeans"....they were khaki though...ugh. He gave me a two hour detention and no way to call for a ride after school.
On my way to the room, I saw someone that I had a crush on and it seemed to make the time go by really fast. As soon as I got out of there my dad was in the office and he was really pissed off because I didn't call him and he was worried that something had happened to me. There was a brief arguement between my father and the principal and then we headed for the truck.
It was so cold outside..that's one thing that I just remember so clearly.
As we pulled away from the school I seen that person that I was talking to during my detention and my dad got really pissed at me.
After a couple of minutes he went down some random street and said, "Fuck it,I'll get gas now."
With it being so cold outside I figured that I might as well get coffee or something.
I felt bad for my dad when he was pumping gas because he had just had a shoulder surgery and he was wearing the cast/sling thing.
When I came back out the the truck, I spilled the coffee as I was trying to sit down. He must have though that it got on his floor because he went crazy and smacked me on the arm.
It was pretty awkward driving home, but after a little while he started talking to me in his strange way that he did.....he asked me how my day was and was joking about how much of a bitch kelly had been since he can't go back to work for a while. The smiled and everything...he was laughing about it all....but when we got home, all the stress seemed to jump on him again and he was in a terrible mood. I watched him go from high to low.
I don't know why but if I could, I would have thanked Mr. Nicholi for that detention.I'm glad that I wore the wrong pants that day. I'm glad that I had that conversation with my father. I'm happy that just for a little while, he was happy. Now everytime I drive by that gas station, I think of my dad and the funny way he would flip out when I would step in the oil spots because it would mess up his interior. I miss the way he would get mad at me for the little things like sneezing and laughing because it would irritate him.
I miss when he would ask me what I was thinking about.
It always seemed like a dumb question to me, but now that I think about it...he just wanted to know what was on my mind. I wish I would have talked to him more.

There are times when I just have to stop over at my old house and walk around in the yard just because it brings back memories..and although they hurt me so much and kill my heart over & over again..I keep doing it just because I can feel him there.
I sometimes look into the windows and I can see the spot where he died because there is a stain.
It's just proof that he's really gone.

When I walk into the back yard by his old shed I remember the last conversation we had there. I wanted to go to the park to see my friend and he argued with me that I was going to see a boy when I really wasn't. I begged to just leave the house because I was grounded to begin with. He was washing his Blazer.....I kept running my fingers through the soap....he would get mad. lol.

Anyways..he let me go for a while. (an hour).....TWO hours later he drove through the park and told me to be home soon. THREE hours later a cop drove up to me and my friend and asked me where I was supposed to be and she told me to get home because my dad was looking for me.
When I did get back home, he was standing in the front yard with the phone talking to my mom or my grandma. He was seriously pissed of to me that I took advantage of the privelege he gave me. At first I didn't see why he was so mad, but now that I think about....I would have been too. He just cared.

Even though people talk about my dad and say he was a shitty guy, I know different. I know different because I saw different. My dad was a really good man.
It hurts me think of how he had to struggle so much though. He always tried really hard to make me happy and to take care of me and to make sure I was okay at night. He woke up at 6am every morning and went to a shitty job just because he loved me and he had responsibilities.
He would think of me so much throughout the day that he would actually sneek and text me stupid jokes.

I get greedy with my memories and with what I use to have. I guess I just try to hold it all in for myself because I don't want to forget. I make him seem like he was just a terrible man somtimes just because I can't believe he left me. All in all, my dad was a great man. I never realized how many people he knew until his funeral. I never realized that I wasn't the only person there that loved him. I need to realize that I'm not the only person here that lost him. Kelly lost a husband, my mom lost her first love, my grandma lost her "son-in-law", I lost my dad, and many people lost a friend, Tony lost his brother,Gage lost his uncle......he was someone to everyone.
I seem to be the only person stuck in the mess he created and left.

Everyone dies.
No matter what you do you die.
Everything you do is for nothing.
But not really because in the end when you're gone, people remember you but they hurt because you're not here...
You die for love.