I'm starting to remember why I'm alone in all of this again. Some time ago I decided to just stop talking to people and stop living my life. The day that he was taken from me, I took myself away from everyone else. Seeing everything slip away so fast made me realize that there is never really anything to hold onto to begin with. Whatever you hold on to you will lose grip of. That's proven to be true with so many things in my short life. I can't have a relationship with my mother because I can't "accept" her drug addiction and way of life. I can't keep friends because I know that with time they will find other interests and I will no longer be of importance to them anyways, not that I ever was to begin with. The last "friendship" I had was just ripped to shreds for no fucking reason. That person holds so many of my fears and deepest secrets and she just betrayed me because I was having a hard time in my life and I couldn't bare to have a sleep over or a girls day out. She pretty much just turned into a different person. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. I thought that....nevermind.
Things change, people change. It's just really crappy the way shit turned out. It didn't have to be that way. I'm not just passing blame, I'm accepting it. Our interest changed...not to say that they were the same to begin with. -And with that all being poured out..that would be the reason why I no longer want to get close to anyone unless I absolutely have to. I don't want to open up to someone and waste my time if they are just going to fuck me over in the end. That's not the only friend that I lost though...
I never really had a lot of friends to begin with, just people to talk to. I've always shifted my hurt feelings on everyone else. That is true. I don't think I'm capable of having a healthy human relationship with someone because unless they can relate to my hurt I feel as if there is nothing else for me to talk to them about. I know it's wrong and I should be able to deal with my own personal issues and put them aside for the sake of socialization.
I'm just better at being a social outcast. I'm a displaced person.
Even though it sucks ass to go into college without any friends, I know I will get through it. And I honestly know I can do it.
The possibility of me actually getting to know someone might be somewhat possible if I just let go of the past and my losses. If I just stop feeling so damn sorry for myself I can be happy.-I'm just not ready to.
I honestly think that I keep my grief with me because I'm the only one that can push it to the side & reject it. My sadness can't abandon me.. I have to make it go away on my own.
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