Hey dad...

You have been on my mind a lot lately. Thinking about life and what it was to you; what it was to me.
You loved me like no one else and yet you hurt me like no other.
I remember all of the times when you would drive all the way over to my mom's just to get me to go out to dinner with you. It was so greedy of me to say no. We both know that you were trying. It was just how you were. I felt so mad at you when you were there and I often wished you would leave me alone just for a few weeks...

But then I also remembered the pain of separations and the defeat I felt when you would no longer fight for me. It was during that week that I wanted to let you see that I wanted to come home. But you left me anyways. Three days, four, seven, fifteen.

And then on Easter you came back for me and it felt as if we were never apart. I felt safe, but I don't know why I didn't get in the truck with you to leave. I don't know why I laughed with you and smiled but then I said goodbye. I don't know why. But from that day on....I didn't see you anymore; at least not until the day before you died. That was the last time.

You would never just calm down..you would never just rest, even briefly, for you have far more important things to do with your days. You made me smile and laugh like a father should. I love you. There is a special love a daughter has for her dad, a love that stays branded on her heart and in her memories. They are words that matter only to me. You always had a warm heart with me.
But when I left for Spring Break, I came back to you after doing all of the things I could do in my time off, but your time was up. You were cold. Unmoving. No breath, no sweet words. Just you staring blankly at the wall with fixed pupils & blue lips. I wonder if you tried to call out to me and all you could muster was the expulsion of fluid from your lungs, with your last breath. Did you say my name?

A cruelty. An injustice. You were everything to me. I tried to breathe the life I once knew into you, but I felt your soul pass me as I pounded on your chest. I would have tried to grab it, to force it back, but I would have fail.

Over 3 years have passed. There are days I don't think about it at all. Hardly. Not every hour at least. And there are nights where you haunt me in my dreams, never touching me or knowing me. I will cry out for you to see me, but you walk on as if looking for something. Or someone. I am broken and empty without you.

I look for you in every man, every woman, every child. I struggle to remain upright. I won't take the easy way like you. You swallowed my soul when you swallowed that lethal dose.

I take my face out of the jar everyday and no one ever knows I'm upset or in pain. Not really. Because if they did, they would take advantage. Make me feel better. Tell me it wasn't my fault. Make me love myself again.

I will not let this loss ever happen to me again because my heart has been stolen by you, tattered and bruised in it's casing, and I wait, futile in my efforts. But I wait.Yes, I will wait for you to give it back to me.

How could a father steal from his own daughter.
You stole my heart & soul.

I still love you with all that I have left. Goodnight.