Damaged is what you feel, not what others see.

I get a little tired of hearing about how people hate this side of me and what it is and what it's not. It's been a bit of a cradle for me actually. For me getting over myself and the loss of my father. It's been this way for quite a while now. Blogging has honestly been the only way that I've been able to let out how I feel without the awkwardness of talking about it with family. I know that eventually they will all stumble upon my blog sooner or later and they'll know exactly how I feel about everything.

Getting out my frustrations isn't what i love about blogging, it's that strange ability to reach out and touch. It's that way of reaching out that you can't do face to face with the people who you know needs to read them. The ones who can't quite picture who I'm becoming or who I was.It's not that they don't love me, but all too often they feel that I should be subject to their limitations, just because they are. When i blog, people can interact with who I am, right now, in this moment and this typing.-Interact is my word today.

So, here I am in the process of shedding a death, a loss.- That's the nicest phrase I can make for myself right now. It's a thing that everyone will have to go through at some point. I know that I should keep my feelings in my own mind, and in my own moments, but I think that one day I'll be able to look back on all of this and just see how much I've changed when my world fell apart.I did the counseling thing for far to long and it didn't do me any good, so honestly, this is my medicine.
I use to be the "giver" as well, so these past few years have been hard for me to become totally independent. But I have to be. It helps me to develop some of my own rules; these rules of which I hardly abide by but I like to think that I do sometimes.
So..if it's alright, I'll loan mine out to you. Hopefully you can use them.

I remember the couple of weeks of counseling I had, they had me write a list of the "rules" think I should follow to make myself become happy again..blahaha.
I just found this paper while I was cleaning today and I couldn't believe how much I've neglected what I planned to do. But grieving is about plans. I just thought I should share.

The Rules Of Getting Over You, Dad.

1. Try not to fall in love. It will just be a response to needs instead of a thing based on healthy and ready, and who the other person is.

2. When you feel really lonely, see rule one.

3. Remember that the people around you are more than listeners. They also have normal lives full of things less painful then yours. If you listen, they will take you into other places and you can leave yours behind a while.

4. Remember it is not your job to suffer. Hurt is a feeling. Suffering is a choice. It will feel totally stupid to go to that party, or that dinner, or that movie when you just want to cry. But by going you have chosen something besides that suffering. It does not matter where you go as long as it's healthy.

5. Your real friends love you even though they know you well. Trust that. You do think they are smart. Lean on them sometimes.

6. mourn sometimes. Watch the chick flick and let it out. Don't make it a habit. Don't hold it all in either. Tender can be good.

7. Remind yourself that you are also every beautiful, every loving, every good thing you did. It's easy to feel the failures now, and to hear the words you shared last. So it's fair and right to look at all the good things you were as well. Because you are still that person too. That love, that beauty was also you. Fight to keep those things close.

8. Remember that damaged is what you feel, not what others see. They see you as whole. They will treat you often as if you are healthy and complete. It's really hard to believe, but they are the ones that are right. Damaged is what you feel, not who you are.- Of all of my "rules" I still try to follow this one...although I'm not very successful.