Lets see colors no one else has seen

I feel this need to get a lot of stuff out right now. Just confess to everything, but there is absolutely nothing to confess to.I guess it's just a feeling or something. I'm trying really hard to let go of my loss and to not dwell on it so much. It's working but I have my moments. And with each issue/problem gone, another one arises just to bite me in the ass again. I would love to tell you that things are okay right now, but infact-things are quite complicated. Accepting the fact that Mansfield will soon be something of my past, but then again..I have to get Frank to accept the same thing.I have to be honest. I think that if I stay in Mansfield for the rest of my life, I will give up on everything. I don't think he's understanding that. But, then again-he has more to cling onto here like family and friends and I could really care less about things here. It's just a reminder of how things fall apart here. I hate it. Can you seriously sit and think of having an actual good life here? No.No should be your ONLY answer.
I feel horrible for making him leave all of this behind. It's only going to be a couple of years and we can come back a lot. It's only like 3-4 hours away. Not a big deal really. It's going to be really hard to want to talk to someone and not be on the phone though. I hate the phone.I really don't even like texting anymore. Forwards are the devil!!!
Do you people really think that if you don't send a picture of a laughing cat to 10 of your friends in 4 minutes that you won't fall in love or you will die?! Wtf? People are fucking to retarded...so, with that said-Don't send me forwards!!!! K.thanks :)
I've been listening to a lot of other music lately-music that won't make my mind relate to other things that make me relate those things to bad things that I don't like to think about...
I still listen to the same stuff..just..uhm....different music for different moods. Like..I've been listening to TONS of U2 and lots of Bob Seger! (don't call me lame!!)-I love them!
I need to stop being a hobit. I'm majorly pale right now with the darkest hair! I look fucking goth (not that there is a problem with that) but..it's just a weird look for me.
I have a very nervous feeling about moving away. It's going to be so much more responsibility. I just hope he doesn't back out on me and go his own way.

Sometimes we don't really realize we love someone so much until there is a HUGE fight or something horrible happens. Frank and I talked about moving to Pittsburgh a while ago, but it wasn't a for sure thing because I hadn't heard from Aii. Now that it's for sure he seems to be wanting to just stay home. God-if there is such a man-don't take frank away from me too!!!! ugh!!!

This will be the most stressful week.
I have to take an Accuplacer test next week..bleh.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.
Really..just look at the dates of my other posts!

Always raining in my head

Today was a productive day none the less,but then when I got home I just got really lazy.

Anyways....I started writing this blog to get some stress out but I'm not even sure how to say anything right now.

I guess I'm just realizing that I'm accepting my loss and moving onto the better things in my life. The stress of moving to Pittsburgh is killing me,but then again-it all seems so easy just to pick up and go.
I think we're going to there during Spring break to get everything set up and then we're not moving until July. I'm excited to get out of Mansfield, but I'm kind of nervous to move into a huge city and get use to all of that shit.

I really wonder what my dad would think of everything that I've achieved at this point. Sometimes I really need his opinion on things and there is no way that I can get that anymore. Trying to get over a loss like that is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do or experience. I'm so afraid that something else is going to happen soon.-seriously.

*I'm going to Pittsburgh with an aching in my heart.*

It won't wash away bad luck

Sometimes I think that all is lost with my family because of what they've become. I never seem to realize that my family is NOT me. I will one day be able to look past all of the stupid shit that led up to the point of me telling everyone to just fuck off. Things were going so great for the longest time with my mom. She actually had respect for herself and she was working, taking care of herself,paying her bills on time...spending time with everyone important,treating herself better and being a better person all together. In the short months that I had my mom sober, I realized that I could have a good relationship with her and we could be good friends;without the drugs & alcohol. I've never been able to talk to my mother about the things that really have bothered me in the past three years. It was almost like I had to get to know a whole new person when she was sober. I've never known my mother to be like that in a really long time.-seriously. Then...she gets off probation and I guess her idea of life is just one big party that never ends. I never see her anymore and this isn't because she doesn't come around; it's because I can't deal with losing her all over again. Nothing was a wake up call to her-not even her first love dying. Now she's with a man that drinks and parties just as much as she likes and she lives right around the corner from her favorite drunk and right next to two bars. It's quite pathetic actually; to be doing so well and then within 3 weeks your life is shit again. You've wasted your daughters money to get off of probation and then you do the same shit that got you to spiral down a dark path in the beginning.It's not worth it. I should have realized a long time ago that she's never going to change. I had myself fooled for so long. I guess I wanted a "normal" life so bad that I made up all this false shit to make myself feel better about what it would be like when she was free. I'm really disappointed. God...I really don't want it to be where she starts to blame me for everything all over again. She blames me for why she doesn't have her kids anymore; it's because she was a drug addict and her kids and family couldn't handle it anymore. I'm so tired of accepting all the shit she throws my way for why HER life hits rock bottom. She's going to end up just like my father.- I know it.
I do love her..I just can't understand why she has to be so immature. I don't even act like she does.


On a lighter note, I'm engaged =)
It has been the upside of everything. It's completely different than you make it out to be when you're thinking about it. Everything is so intense...and even though you know you're going to say yes..you just know that it's going to be a big milestone. It's true love.
Things have changed so much and I'm happy for it because I see how Frank really is.
I've learned that people can do things to hurt you but they'll love you all the same.
Trust is key. I hadn't had that for some time,but when you finally give in it makes things better for everyone.
I'm his Angel forever. He's my everything.
I wonder what my dad would think.....hmm....

You don't know the chances

Today I realized that there is something that fuels every little drop of my creativity...
It's so strange because I can't do any of my art unless I make myself really upset or something.
I get this feeling deep inside and I don't want to be around anyone...the main thing that sparks this fire within has to be the death of my dad...
there is so much that was left unsaid and I think that I bring that out in my art. I find it so hard to communicate with anyone on this topic...it just makes me sick to my stomach...like it's twisting and bleeding.
I get in these moods where I don't even want to wake up. Moods that make me want to just drink bleach and die...[[which I'll never do..]]
I don't think that I'm suicidal..but I do know that I'm depressed...and somewhat unstable.
I don't like the way this makes me feel at all, or how it effects my everyday life. However....the art that comes with it...the creativity and all the inspiration wouldn't be possible without all of the hurt. I just keep thinking off all of these horrible things that make me who I am and I realized that I can't be Angeleyea without any of this. I have to say that losing my dad has to be the biggest loss in my life and my biggest inspiration.
Nothing can compare.Ever.
I do want to be happy, but in some ways....morbidly funny ways..I am. I'm not like the rest of you,and I don't want to be.It's not my "norm.".
I'm really far away from what you could call reality anymore..but that's okay sometimes.
Everyday I think of how I need to move on with things and just think of the future...but that like giving up to me.It's giving up on the little things in my mind that makes me feel sad.
Because if I keep replaying that last day in my head, it will make me sad..but in a way it's still alive...even though it's no longer real.I don't like to admit that I'm depressed..but I think is the first actual time that I've ever really came out about it...although it was pretty apparent that I was. I also don't want people to assume the lame-est and call me emo.That's the biggest insult that I can possibly think of right now.Emo is nothing. It's stupid.It's a dumb style and people need to think of something else to cry about..I'm tired of all of these scene kids..just shut up.ugh.
Even though the madness fuels me...it can only make me stronger and in a really strange way,it will help me succeed.
I am a very angry person...my mind is violent....and I can be as well....but I don't use it phsyically...just artistly...the only way that is somewhat acceptable.
Please don't judge me if you haven't the slightest idea to know what I've been through and how I am.
Most of you don't know the real Angeleyea and you most likely will never get the chance to....just let me be me and stop worrying about me so much.
If you don't like me..just leave it at that.You don't need to stalk me to prove it..it's just creapy.
You're so blind if you really think that you're life is good..it's not. It's falling apart...so leave mine alone and worry about picking up your pieces....dumb fuck.