Wish I could understand

I can't help it.-I just know that my soul needs time to itself right now. I haven't quite healed and sometimes it feels like I never will.
April 23rd with be the 3 year anniversary of my father's death. It doesn't seem right that someone can be so full of life and character and the next second be...gone. All your life you work so hard and in the end it turns out that you're going to the same place as everyone else and all that time wasted was for what everyone ends up getting in the end. Why is there death? I just can't seem to comprehend that out of all the people in the world,he had to die. He ceases to live. Why? Is there seriously some other reason than what the coroner told me? I know that everyone has to go one day, but why him? And why did it have to be so soon in my life-before I could accomplish anything and he could be proud of me for something.
I write these stupid blogs like every week hoping that I'll soon find acceptance in myself to move on.I can't.I cannot what so ever move on from losing him. I think about it everyday and it's in my dreams and everything. I never thought that I would be a million miles away from my father.Never. And now my worst fear is coming so fast towards me and I just want to run away.-I'm losing my mom again. She's probably tired of me saying that but it's how it is. I want to leave for Pittsburgh so bad but then again..I'm afraid to get the call one night that she's been taken from me. I don't want to leave my brother with her because he's rebelling so bad against his self.He has the potential to be a great kid but he's just following in the wrong footpath and I'm so scared for him. I know that he will never allow himself to pick up and move on from the "bad life." He thinks that what he's doing right now is so "cool" but he's only 12 and it breaks my heart to watch him do all this stuff and his life is just falling apart. My mother set him up for failure. No matter how hard I try I can never change them. I fucking hate that out of all the good people in the world-they die first and the horrible people still have a heartbeat at the end of the day.

But I'll always be a million miles away.

I don't think that I'll be able to move on in my life until this is all over. And over it will never be. I'll be stuck in this mess for the rest of my life.

I often find myself wondering if I'll ever really see my father again. The thought of heaven actually existing is a bit too much for me to comprehend. Wanting to see him so bad again makes me feel like a desperate little fiend; like a child that needs candy...or that lady that needs another fix. Everyone says it's been so long, but I'm not counting the years he's been gone; I'm counting the days until I can possibly meet him again and then again, I think of all the time he's been away from me and I wonder if he would even recognize me if he were to see me. The great big bond that use to be there; father and daughter; would that still be there? Would I still feel the same connection if he were sitting in this same room with me? Sometimes the things you want so bad aren't that great in the end. If he would have never died...I would not be sitting here right now. I would most likely be a drop out and I would have given up on a lot of things already because of the constant stress of my mom and dad fighting. Never getting along with his wife was something that killed my home life. Strange thing being-now I get along with her because she's the only thing I can keep from my father's passing that can relate to me.Now it seems so much easier to talk to her and get along with her, but I don't understand why I was so rebellious before. Everything could have been much simpler if I would have just gave in a little bit and made the effort to not be such a bitch.
Someone asked me today...."Angeleyea-if you were to see your father for ONLY one minute...what would you say..how would you feel?"
-I can't answer this question because at different times I feel different ways about the way things have turned out. There is nothing that can be said in one minute to make up for 3 years. Not even "I love you" would be enough. It wouldn't be good enough....what I really need to say things to him and "I love you" it's just too simple. I don't know if he would have something to say to me. I fear that I wouldn't give the right kind of love or hug or something and I would regret everything after that minute was up. Saying goodbye again would be even worse than the first time. I never actually said goodbye to begin with...so saying goodbye for real would be just.....horrible.
-There...that's your answer. There is nothing else I can think of to tell you. It's a really deep question and I don't think I gave the BEST answer..but....it's good enough.

Pittsburgh is coming oh so fast and too soon. We have stuff ready and a lot of things lined up for our move. July 15th...wow.

I've got my wedding dress picked out and EVERYTHING else.

Don't have very long

Although I'm very young,I've had a lot of things go wrong in my short life.
These things have given me wisdom and have shaped me to become the Angeleyea that I am today.I don't like these tragedies...but I more or less couldn't live without them.
I know that I'm not liked by people, and that's fine.
I'd rather have a few friends that like me for me and not people who pretend to just to make me feel better.
I have a life,and as crazy as it may seem,I love it. There are parts that I could do without....and somedays I don't even want to exhist.
Today was a non-existing day for me.
I vanished.
I wasn't here.
(ugh..i wish.)
But it's becoming more evident of who I'm meant to be.
It may seem strange,because it is,but....I've "found myself."
Among the crowds & losers that follow....I've found Angeleyea.
Starting now...I am who I am....like me or not,I don't give a fuck anymore.
I don't plan on being a social person anymore. I don't like the drama.
I just like to be alone.I like the silence,and I like the peacefulness.
I like to think of the past.I like to feel upset.
It fuels me & my art.
It makes me live in another time.
I hate now.I don't like it. ( i love the people in my life & the way I live it)
But I hate what's going on around me.
I hate being judge for the people in my family. I don't like to be turned away from oppurtunities just because of how certain people in my family live their life.
I'm different from them.
A lot different.
Just know that.

Ugh...

I feel really tired today.
I thought that I would just go over some of the things that have been annoying me lately....
1)Emo people; They suck.I hate how think their life sucks so bad that they need to be dramatic and cut themselves....have you seriously went through ANYTHING in your little life to feel so depressed? I think not. solution:Stop being such a fucking cry baby because your mommy won't drive you to hang out with your other emo lame ass friends....just shut up and go buy shit from hot topic....oh..cut deeper dipshits..you're not doing it right.
2)"Stalkers"; What do you think of when you first wake up? "Hmmm...maybe I'll snoop through EVERYTHING Angeleyea wrote yesterday and then give her dirty looks all day...yeah..that sounds like a great idea!" Wrong. It's not.I doesn't really effect me...it just pisses me off...and the more you do it, well....Sound interesting???? hope so.Stop making FAKE myspaces and come up to me and say what you have to say. If you're going to be a pussy, don't even bother talking your shit.
3)"Mainstream Music"; Do you really like it? Seriously? Ew. Rap..hip hop...R&B? It's fucking stupid. I've never listened to anything more retarded in my fucking life. But the really sad thing is that there are actually people that like those songs!!!!!! Wow. Songs about lipgloss,jeans & boots,food, and ass.....it's just dumb. I don't see how it can even be interesting to anyone...but I guess the world is full of retards now.lol. Get better taste in music. you fail at life.
4)Perves in Stikam; Stop coming into my video chat and showing me your tiny man parts. It's gross. I clearly said that I don't want to see that. And I don't even want to talk to guys. It's nasty. I think that people that can just show their junk online or randomly anywhere should just be shot. If I want to see a tiny wang, I'll ask. But I'll never want to EVER see that. You should have never been born.lol. It's gross,pathetic,and tiny. Aren't you embarrassed of that thing?
5)Hot weather; Can't be changed but it's annoying and yucky. I hate when my legs stick to the seats in the car...ew.lol.
6)"PC4PC"; Don't msg me with that. I'm not going to comment on your pics if you comment on mine. It's dumb. Don't even bother.
7)Beggers; Get a job. Stop mooching off of your family and get a job. If you ask me for $, the answer is NO. You may say I'm a big meany..lol.but I'm not going to help someone that's not even bothered by not helping themselves.Grow a set of balls and go put in an application dude.
Well..that's all that has been irking me this week.lol.
Um....I'm on the laptop again...so no aim. I mean yeah.it's on here..but I dont like to be on instant messengers when I'm on the laptop...it's just bleh...

Lets see colors no one else has seen

I feel this need to get a lot of stuff out right now. Just confess to everything, but there is absolutely nothing to confess to.I guess it's just a feeling or something. I'm trying really hard to let go of my loss and to not dwell on it so much. It's working but I have my moments. And with each issue/problem gone, another one arises just to bite me in the ass again. I would love to tell you that things are okay right now, but infact-things are quite complicated. Accepting the fact that Mansfield will soon be something of my past, but then again..I have to get Frank to accept the same thing.I have to be honest. I think that if I stay in Mansfield for the rest of my life, I will give up on everything. I don't think he's understanding that. But, then again-he has more to cling onto here like family and friends and I could really care less about things here. It's just a reminder of how things fall apart here. I hate it. Can you seriously sit and think of having an actual good life here? No.No should be your ONLY answer.
I feel horrible for making him leave all of this behind. It's only going to be a couple of years and we can come back a lot. It's only like 3-4 hours away. Not a big deal really. It's going to be really hard to want to talk to someone and not be on the phone though. I hate the phone.I really don't even like texting anymore. Forwards are the devil!!!
Do you people really think that if you don't send a picture of a laughing cat to 10 of your friends in 4 minutes that you won't fall in love or you will die?! Wtf? People are fucking to retarded...so, with that said-Don't send me forwards!!!! K.thanks :)
I've been listening to a lot of other music lately-music that won't make my mind relate to other things that make me relate those things to bad things that I don't like to think about...
I still listen to the same stuff..just..uhm....different music for different moods. Like..I've been listening to TONS of U2 and lots of Bob Seger! (don't call me lame!!)-I love them!
I need to stop being a hobit. I'm majorly pale right now with the darkest hair! I look fucking goth (not that there is a problem with that) but..it's just a weird look for me.
I have a very nervous feeling about moving away. It's going to be so much more responsibility. I just hope he doesn't back out on me and go his own way.

Sometimes we don't really realize we love someone so much until there is a HUGE fight or something horrible happens. Frank and I talked about moving to Pittsburgh a while ago, but it wasn't a for sure thing because I hadn't heard from Aii. Now that it's for sure he seems to be wanting to just stay home. God-if there is such a man-don't take frank away from me too!!!! ugh!!!

This will be the most stressful week.
I have to take an Accuplacer test next week..bleh.
Sorry for the rant. It's been a while.
Really..just look at the dates of my other posts!

Always raining in my head

Today was a productive day none the less,but then when I got home I just got really lazy.

Anyways....I started writing this blog to get some stress out but I'm not even sure how to say anything right now.

I guess I'm just realizing that I'm accepting my loss and moving onto the better things in my life. The stress of moving to Pittsburgh is killing me,but then again-it all seems so easy just to pick up and go.
I think we're going to there during Spring break to get everything set up and then we're not moving until July. I'm excited to get out of Mansfield, but I'm kind of nervous to move into a huge city and get use to all of that shit.

I really wonder what my dad would think of everything that I've achieved at this point. Sometimes I really need his opinion on things and there is no way that I can get that anymore. Trying to get over a loss like that is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do or experience. I'm so afraid that something else is going to happen soon.-seriously.

*I'm going to Pittsburgh with an aching in my heart.*

It won't wash away bad luck

Sometimes I think that all is lost with my family because of what they've become. I never seem to realize that my family is NOT me. I will one day be able to look past all of the stupid shit that led up to the point of me telling everyone to just fuck off. Things were going so great for the longest time with my mom. She actually had respect for herself and she was working, taking care of herself,paying her bills on time...spending time with everyone important,treating herself better and being a better person all together. In the short months that I had my mom sober, I realized that I could have a good relationship with her and we could be good friends;without the drugs & alcohol. I've never been able to talk to my mother about the things that really have bothered me in the past three years. It was almost like I had to get to know a whole new person when she was sober. I've never known my mother to be like that in a really long time.-seriously. Then...she gets off probation and I guess her idea of life is just one big party that never ends. I never see her anymore and this isn't because she doesn't come around; it's because I can't deal with losing her all over again. Nothing was a wake up call to her-not even her first love dying. Now she's with a man that drinks and parties just as much as she likes and she lives right around the corner from her favorite drunk and right next to two bars. It's quite pathetic actually; to be doing so well and then within 3 weeks your life is shit again. You've wasted your daughters money to get off of probation and then you do the same shit that got you to spiral down a dark path in the beginning.It's not worth it. I should have realized a long time ago that she's never going to change. I had myself fooled for so long. I guess I wanted a "normal" life so bad that I made up all this false shit to make myself feel better about what it would be like when she was free. I'm really disappointed. God...I really don't want it to be where she starts to blame me for everything all over again. She blames me for why she doesn't have her kids anymore; it's because she was a drug addict and her kids and family couldn't handle it anymore. I'm so tired of accepting all the shit she throws my way for why HER life hits rock bottom. She's going to end up just like my father.- I know it.
I do love her..I just can't understand why she has to be so immature. I don't even act like she does.


On a lighter note, I'm engaged =)
It has been the upside of everything. It's completely different than you make it out to be when you're thinking about it. Everything is so intense...and even though you know you're going to say yes..you just know that it's going to be a big milestone. It's true love.
Things have changed so much and I'm happy for it because I see how Frank really is.
I've learned that people can do things to hurt you but they'll love you all the same.
Trust is key. I hadn't had that for some time,but when you finally give in it makes things better for everyone.
I'm his Angel forever. He's my everything.
I wonder what my dad would think.....hmm....