You don't know the chances

Today I realized that there is something that fuels every little drop of my creativity...
It's so strange because I can't do any of my art unless I make myself really upset or something.
I get this feeling deep inside and I don't want to be around anyone...the main thing that sparks this fire within has to be the death of my dad...
there is so much that was left unsaid and I think that I bring that out in my art. I find it so hard to communicate with anyone on this topic...it just makes me sick to my stomach...like it's twisting and bleeding.
I get in these moods where I don't even want to wake up. Moods that make me want to just drink bleach and die...[[which I'll never do..]]
I don't think that I'm suicidal..but I do know that I'm depressed...and somewhat unstable.
I don't like the way this makes me feel at all, or how it effects my everyday life. However....the art that comes with it...the creativity and all the inspiration wouldn't be possible without all of the hurt. I just keep thinking off all of these horrible things that make me who I am and I realized that I can't be Angeleyea without any of this. I have to say that losing my dad has to be the biggest loss in my life and my biggest inspiration.
Nothing can compare.Ever.
I do want to be happy, but in some ways....morbidly funny ways..I am. I'm not like the rest of you,and I don't want to be.It's not my "norm.".
I'm really far away from what you could call reality anymore..but that's okay sometimes.
Everyday I think of how I need to move on with things and just think of the future...but that like giving up to me.It's giving up on the little things in my mind that makes me feel sad.
Because if I keep replaying that last day in my head, it will make me sad..but in a way it's still alive...even though it's no longer real.I don't like to admit that I'm depressed..but I think is the first actual time that I've ever really came out about it...although it was pretty apparent that I was. I also don't want people to assume the lame-est and call me emo.That's the biggest insult that I can possibly think of right now.Emo is nothing. It's stupid.It's a dumb style and people need to think of something else to cry about..I'm tired of all of these scene kids..just shut up.ugh.
Even though the madness fuels me...it can only make me stronger and in a really strange way,it will help me succeed.
I am a very angry person...my mind is violent....and I can be as well....but I don't use it phsyically...just artistly...the only way that is somewhat acceptable.
Please don't judge me if you haven't the slightest idea to know what I've been through and how I am.
Most of you don't know the real Angeleyea and you most likely will never get the chance to....just let me be me and stop worrying about me so much.
If you don't like me..just leave it at that.You don't need to stalk me to prove it..it's just creapy.
You're so blind if you really think that you're life is good..it's not. It's falling apart...so leave mine alone and worry about picking up your pieces....dumb fuck.